If I die tomorrow, let people know that I was suffering
I used to act so strong
But I was terrified
I didn’t have my life in order
I ruined every relationship
I pushed away people that care about me
And I was terrified
Of the past
Of the present
Of the future
I know everyone has their own battle
And who am I to ask for special treatment
But I want people to know that it’s not easy to live with anxiety
As you probably already know, I just recently quit my job. Not because the people or the job, but simply because I think that its not my passion and if I ever plan to do something I’m passionate about for the rest of my life I’d rather start now while I’m still considered as young. 😀
I’m going to a new journey to prove that “dream job” does exist. I believe some people already found one. While some others think it’s just a myth and stuck with a job they don’t actually like, wake up in the morning feeling sick just imagining how they have to live the day at the same boring place with the same people they secretly hate. Hey, I know this sounds cliche, but you have full control of your own life! If you don’t like where you are now, move! You’re not a tree.
I know it’s easier said than done, but we gotta start somewhere. What if I don’t get a better job?, you might ask. Well look for another one, there are plenty of them online (JobsDB, Jobstreet, weworkremotely.com to name a few). And what if I don’t find the one that fit me for a long time? Then start your own thing. I know its hard to leave your comfort zone, but can you even call it a comfort zone if you don’t feel comfortable there?
Courage is a tricky thing tho, I totally understand that. Sometimes, surprisingly, it comes from very unfortunate things that happen in your life. For me, its mental health issues. I experienced some rough personal problems that got me utterly depressed and suicidal, and I thought to myself, “Hey, I’ve lost everything, I even almost lost my own life, what else could I lose? How could it be any worse than this?”. So I quit my job, plan a 2 month break just to focus on my treatment while doing only things that I love (read, write, code), and travel more. The first day I was being unemployed was the first time I woke up with a big smile on my face after a looooooong time. And that felt uh-maaaaazing!!! 😀
Seriously tho, if you’ve been suicidal before, you’ll understand this. That nothing, NOTHING, matters more in this life than your own happiness. When you’re that close to death, you’ll get a full picture of the things that you always wanna do in life, the things that you regret, the things that you wished you’ve done but you never had courage to do so, that guy from the office you want to ask out but never did, how you should visit your parents more, how you should be a better friend and respond to texts sooner. You got full picture of your life in front of you, just like a movie. As you are recovering you know that maybe someday you’ll be suicidal again and you might not get another chance to ask that guy out, so you actually do it. And thats what happen to me, I embrace every opportunities that come my way, leave toxic people behind, live boldly, cause we might not have much time left in this world anyway. Live your life as if it is your last day. 🙂
